If you don't like reading other people's complaints, close this blog right now. A litany of my woes follows.
I just want to sleep past 5:30 and use the bathroom in peace.
Is that too much to ask? Lately, it seems that it is. In Seattle, Lark slept
until 7:15 a.m. every day, but here she wakes shortly after dawn. On weekdays, we’re
engaging in a race to wake. I set my alarm earlier and earlier so that I can
shower before she starts crying in her crib. Day after day, she beats me to it.
I struggle to find the time to get ready
for work on weekdays because, not only is she an early riser, she is
extraordinarily clingy.
If I try to shut myself in the bathroom, she screams outside
the door, “MAMA, MAMA!” I opened the door this morning to find her in near
hysterics, just because I had the audacity to separate us for a short five
minutes. I can’t cook because Lark must be attached to my leg or in my arms. I
can’t enjoy a meal because she must have a taste of every bite off my plate. When
our sweet nanny arrives in the morning, Lark tries to hit her.
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| "It is insufferable that you aren't holding me right now." |
This goes beyond separation. She has also become very
possessive. If Anna joins me and Lark at the breakfast table, Lark gets upset,
yelling “No!” and crying if we engage in conversation.
Needless to say, I find this exhausting. I’m trying to be
empathetic because her 16-month-old brain has had a lot to process in the last
six weeks. Things look and smell different. She doesn’t have her Dad or
extended family around. Maybe she misses Gus the Dog. I’m hoping that this
clinginess and possessiveness isn’t the sign of a difficult personality.
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| "You are a cruel and horrible mother and I judge you. Constantly." |
I’m trying to be empathetic, but I also have a lot to
process. I also left my home and family and friends behind. And I have to work.
And I have to take care of Lark in the morning and at night and on the
weekends. I miss having someone to ‘tag in’ when I need a nap or would like to
go for a run. I’d like to have some time to myself, even if it’s just five
peaceful minutes in the bathroom or a quiet moment to boil some pasta for
dinner without worrying that I’ll scald my baby who won’t detach herself from
my leg.
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| "I will not be ignored, Mother!" |
I have all the respect for the single parents out there who
do this every day, year after year without help. You are amazing.
2 comments:
I'm so annoyed. Just wrote a really well thought out, and equally as complaint-type email. Only my problems are worse: in The Gambia, at a hotel with no AC, it's now raining, and they have no diet coke. ALSO- I feel strongly that you need to get a nanny to watch Lark overnight for 2 days a week so that you can peace out to a quasi 4* hotel for a cold beer and some rest. Your emotional health is #1. Support, check.
I am so sorry! See my message RE a nanny. (finally). If it's any consolation, I remember fairly clearly my absolute desperation and attachment to my single mom, and I turned out OK. For me, everyone was seriously second rate, even grandma. My mom grew quite accustomed to sitting on the toilet with me on her lap, and i think bathing was a joint experience as soon as I got out of the mixing bowl. I know it must be so hard to be so far away from all of your support, harder than it was for me with only my independent self in Rwanda, but also remember you have with you the person who loves you most in the world! (Sorry to Ritchie and your mom, but I think a baby's neediness might trump all other forms of attachment right now). And Ritchie will be there soon!
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