I've seen better days.

The past two weeks have been strangely difficult for me. I find that I'm more frustrated at work than usual, I'm more sensitive to my cranky coworker's suspected slights, and I'm less patient with cultural differences and language barriers than I have been in the past. For example, while writing the interview test for the 1st grade students today, I decided to run some questions by my co-English teacher. She glanced at my proposed questions and said, "They won't know how to answer these questions. You need to change them."

"But I've taken them directly from the book!" I protested. "We've covered them in class. They should know the answers."

"No, you need to change them. And this . . . (insert an actual snicker here) . . . this is not even a good question."

I imagined tearing the paper in half and throwing it on the floor, stomping on it, spitting on it, then storming out to go find and eat the biggest cheeseburger known to man. I wanted to stand up for myself and tell this coworker, finally, that I'm not an idiot, that I've noticed her criticisms and growing resentment of me, and that I don't respect her for it.

But I didn't do any of the above. I acted like an adult would in a similar work situation, anywhere in the world. I took her comments in stride and I changed the questions, but I gritted my teeth while doing it and said bad words in Spanish.

This may not seem like a big deal, but it's these situations, every single day, that begin to exhaust me. This same coworker speaks to me condescendingly in class (in front of the students!), she asks for my ideas, only to automatically shoot them down, and she actually told me to NOT talk to the students during class. I'm at a total loss.

I think my frustration at work has begun to show itself in my daily life. I'm more critical of myself when I can't understand what someone is saying to me. I'm far less patient with the Japanese way of avoiding the subject. And I'm much more eager to move on to something new.

I think I need to take a step back and refocus on the positive aspects of my life here. I need to remember how much I value my students, how happy it makes me to see the elementary kids jump up and down when I come to class, how much Japanese I've learned in the past seven months, how important my friends here have become, and how much I've learned about myself. I'm going to Kyoto this weekend and will stay with Taka's family, which is always a welcome respite. We're going to practice Zen meditation, sightsee, and attend a Plum Blossom festival. Hopefully, this will rekindle my interest in Japanese culture and my excitement about being here.

And hopefully this will outweigh the current downfalls. Hopefully.